Will you sign my yearbook, phalleasseee?!
July 12, 2012
This feels like a Yearbook entry, end of a track season, so I guess it is a yearbook entry of sorts.
So it has taken a few deep breaths for me to come up with the sound that formulates the words, “I did not make this year’s Olympic Team.’ There, it’s done, simply said and not as cumbersome as parts of me would try to lead the whole of me to believe. I made it down through the rounds to finals and didn’t make top three. Trinidad Olympic Trials was sorta’ nuts, and I a bit nuts in it. To be honest, I did immediately feel like death…or at least my ridiculous, unfounded, privileged concept of death…so maybe on the grand scheme of things in life, I was, simply put, disappointed. There I was in the middle of my love fest with sadness, you know those moments where you feel bad, and it feels right and deserving to feel bad, so you don’t feel too bad about feeling bad, you feel in happy ownership of a feeling that you think reflects an injustice or a misalignment with the universe. It’s this sora’ ‘This wasn’t supposed to happen’ attitude, that leads to terrible amounts of tears and an unraveling of questions dying to satiate something that in retrospect might be the best thing that ever happened to you. But how do you explain this to yourself and much less other people? I don’t know… I guess you don’t. You accept, you flow, you move and those who have always basked w/ you will only bask with you more.
I’m grateful to be a member of the Trinidad & Tobago National team. I’m grateful to have made it to the Olympic Trials & to have made it down to finals! I’m grateful to be able to compete in countries all over the world & meet amazing athletes & people. I run because I love track & because for whatever the reason it’s what I’m called to do right now in my life. I worked really hard, and gave everything I had at the moment, of course leaving, wondering if I could have given more from some undiscovered place inside of me. But I think the Achilles heel was not in how much I gave, that need not be amended, but I think an increase of relaxation ‘letting go’ sprinkled evenly amongst my hard work would have improved my fluidity & performance.
SO upon Docs orders
Here’ the case:
Didn’t make the Olympic team ( In company w/ so many friggin’ awesome athletes that worked hard as well and move on w/ happy realization that this is another door to a new beginning.)
Wee bit disappointed
Difficulty watching Olympic commercials
Occasional bouts of frowning mixed w/ heavy eyes
Melodramatic inner speeches ..man my other me can be such a critic…So i guess I should add schizophrenia to the list haha
Completely fine..( is that normal doc?)
SWALLOW THE PILL & GET SOME REST & MOVE ON & UP
Widening my perspective. Closing my eyes and opening my heart. Noticing what & who I have & all the beauty around me every moment I can and be uber grateful to be a witness of it all. Forging ahead w/ the clear vision of why I’m on this planet, happily relentless in my pursuit of unbridled manifestation. Expansion of my internal workings. Most importantly just enjoy the show!
YIKES! But ok.
The fact was, is and will always remain that I live a spectacular life. I have the strength & ideology to choose to follow my dreams and I have the support of the most amazing people around me who frankly most of them have no idea how track works and whether I came in first or last wouldn’t change the fundamental reason to why they love me. So to keep perspective on the matter, I made a list of just some of the amazing things that happened this year, that have made me happy, that have made me grow & that are essentially what life is all about.
This is where my victory lies, in the people I’ve met, the places I’ve gone, and to the expansion of my own soul through these smooth and uncomfortable times.
AND THE BEAT GOES ON……
- My Mom & Dad, they always believe in me. They support me, and they love me. Showing up since I was a kid to nearly every track meet I’ve ever run. My life w/o their love is nothing.
2. My Familia, they are always cheering for me from far & up close. Believing in me when I sometimes fail to believe in myself. They travel far just to watch me run at a meet and let me be in my little moods when a race doesn’t turn out how I like, even though they’ve come so far just to see me, maybe not even to see me run, just to see me. They let me be and only try to add on to that. My love for you cannot be summed up in words, thanks you guys. Favorite memory of mine this year would be ‘Prometheus’ & ‘Tron’ movie or should I say Tron X..noelle;)
3. To my closest friends on & off the track.
*My Baxter, Jacqueline Buda, who’s been my cousin since 7th grade. She attended meets in high-school, college and still she comes to support me. Her unconditional friendship & love has made me more whole. This year’s memory favorite of mine was Urban Outfitters day. Everything I have means all the more because of you.
*Jessica Sanchez, Brent Gray, Rodney Hawkins– Your friendship has allowed me to have a place outside my home to call home. Some of the greatest memories of my life have been created w/ all of you. Favorite one this year was going to dinner w/ Chreston…Jessica you know what happen haha.
*Billy & Karen– How could anyone you meet be so amazing so quickly and last so wonderfully?! Love at first sight, I’m a believer. Favorite hang time would be going to eat w/ Melanie, sitting in one restaurant while she sits in another haha…oh and Billy buying me a beer & Karen telling me there’s more calories in my thoughts than the beer…dang, hit the nail on the head. “shut up and run”…Working on this…but I guess the key is don’t work on it…just shut up…and do it. 😉
*Fiona & Andre– I saw you guys this year! Was so happy to have spent time with you and felt inspired by your relationship. Fiona, I don’t know why but even though I think we’re nearly the same age I look to you and admire your strength. Andre, your hidden crazy like me haha and you ended up w/ someone as great as Fiona, gives me hope as a Marchian haha, well that and you have a lovely balance that I am working to maintain.
*Amina, Robin, Simon, – So we did actually hang this year, the wedding! But we’ve hung out more than that, as I, in a very stalker manner, imagine you at many of my practices and meets (no joke) I think of you guys maybe more than is healthy I’m a better version of me in-part to you. The word love does not encompass my feelings for you all.
*Stephen– Where do I begin, you move me. You are a future bridesmaid (you don’t have to wear a dress…unless you want toJ. You have been one of the most important people in my life, and you always will be. I don’t care how far I am from you or you from me, I love you. And if you ever need a stalker, hey I’ll be there haha.
*Melanie Hardy- Ma ma Ma Mellllzoooo..man, this track thing would have been soooo much more teeth grinding had I not met you. You gave me a portal for me to feel like me. You have seen vulnerable sides of me that only my family sees. I only wish you ran the same event, but am ever grateful you are in the same sport. Paralleling our journey in life and certifying that you & I will be in constant support of each other.
*MacKenzie Hill, Greg Nixon, Joel Stallworth– I’m grateful every time I get to see you all. You make me happy. You are all ambitious, positive, giving and simply put really beautiful people that make this journey all the more sweet. You believe in me and have aided in guiding me towards being a better athlete & person through your kindness & openness. Fav. Time this year was watching Mackenzie dance @ her b-day party (dang you can dance haha) joking around w/ Joel & beating Greg at air hockey in Long Beach ahahah…didn’t I beat you? I think I did, nooo I’m pretty sure I did.
*Juanee Cilliers- My friend who got me through the European Circuit. You are a great athlete and you have a really loving heart. I’m happy although far away, that I know you:) xo
* Uche, Shannon R., Lance Von Stade, Toby Spanton, Vallery & Pascal Delauney, Hasmita, Rick (chameleon), Jackie Amaya, David Burgoyne (thanks David!! for HOody)-
Thank you all for your support and love throughout the years. Each one of you have made more of a difference than you realize in terms of adding positivity to my life and making things more fun and light. I’m grateful for you all.
*Joey Curtis, Jeff Settle, Austen Teofan, Reza, Nick K., – To my new friends that I have had some pretty amazing conversations, amazing might be an understatement. We’ve had some conversations that have injected some much needed perspective into my life. It’s exciting to meet new people that give you the feeling that you will know them for a long time. Although brief, I’m grateful for the impact -filled time spent w/ each of you. Not to mention your support in the dream of a somewhat complete stranger haha
LUCKY 7 Productions- Crew- Everyone I met while working at the film company in London. YOu guys were my first exposure to London. First time I felt at home outside my house. Sarcasm, wit, insanity and just a total lack of respect for mankind hahah..jk…one of the most fun & raw work enviroments I’ve ever had. The year I worked there was the year I was happily in the video bid for London to get the Olympics there. I secretly luv london and feel at home there..well not much of a secret anymore.:) Thank you all!
4. Track life support-
*Coach Darrell Smith– I feel fortunate to have had you as my coach. You are a track technical genius. You’ve made me a better athlete. I’m grateful for all the lessons, and helping me cross over to what it means to be a real professional athlete.
*Weight Trainer Paul Vincent– You make me better, through teachings and by example as an athlete & person…and you make it fun. I feel like silly me when I’m around you, which makes me enjoy working out more. I’m really grateful for you time & energy.
*My Teammates @ THRESHOLD ATHLETICS- Ryan Wilson- from the beginning I’ve looked to your training as something to aspire to. I’m lucky to have a teammate as seasoned as you. John Steffensen you always kept me on my toes and made me a stronger athlete, your track advice was beyond appreciated. Nia Ali– haha…I had to begin w/ a laugh because you make training fun for me and I admire you.. two in one… ai ai ai. Martina Giovanetti, your light attitude at track & addiction to tying your shoes, made practice more silly funny, and you made me a stronger athlete. Jenny Adams was happy to have had you at the start of the season, I learned so much from you.
*Trinidad & Tobago National Teammates & some of the great athletes I’ve met & continue to meet. Ayanna Hutchinson thank you for your kindness & Melissa De Leon thank you for helping me out w/ Canada and your kindness! Virgil Hodge (St.Kits) was happy/grateful to have roomed & ran w/ you in Canada.
*Peter Stuart & Sean– Meet directors in Canada, you guys were so amazing, I will never forget your kindness. THank you! The cliche about Canadians beaing pretty awesome, was proven right;)
*Mr.Comissiong– Thank you for always believing in me. I’m grateful for your support and guidance. The best is yet to come.
*Mr. Baboolal – Thank you for taking the time to listen open hearted & working to make my track career more fluid.
- To all the doctors, trainers and people at the best gym in the galaxy, ALTUS. Thank you! Especially LISAAAA I! You made coming to the gym on Mondays, super fun!:) & you made me happy.
- To my Nutritionist/Bio-Chemist…mystery man.. who helped keep me working:) Thank you!
- Trinidad medical team- Fitzbert & Crew- Thank yOu!
- Coaches at UCLA & Quincy W..Thank you for your support!
- TO my masseuse, Lance, To Doctor Gopaul and all the other people who help keep my body from unhinging, THANK YOU!!
To all the other supporters & believers that I may have not mentioned THANK YOUUU!!
MEDPODIUM, Cover Girl, CW-X Conditioning Wear, & Facehoody.
SO where do I go from here? Well w/ many lessons learned poppas got a brand new bag.. ok well maybe not that cool haha. I will keep training for one more Olympics. I have a lot of changes I am in the process of making to make this next phase a more fluid, happy, efficient path. My immediate focus track wise is the upcoming Moscow 2013 -14th IAAF World Championship next Aug.
So in the words of Ron Burgandy…. ‘Let the games begin….eighhoo!’ Not to mention I have some really amazing things happening w/ my writing that I will update you all on, when it goes into overdrive.
In conclusion deep down inside, underneath dissapointment and icky heavy feelings, I feel like the bomb diggity (eww I can’t believe that came out of my fingertips)..but yea, you heard right, daaa bombb diggity for having pursued my dream w/ such passionate vigor …and I will keep pursuing.
TO all my friends who did get their ticket stamped to go to the Olympics
Oh and can I give a shout-out to Louis CK…whose comedy styling’s got me through frustration.
Parental Guidance Advised haha;)
As I re-read this whole thing, you’d think I was dying or something haha..the point of this was to vent a little and to maybe not wait till death to say…
THANKKK YOUUUUU !!!
“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.” –Mary Pickford