July 4, 2013
This poem is getting published in the Oxford Poetry Society Magazine, Ash in London.
Between the Gap
It’s that small whisper in-between the fog.
Wounds hushed by plush snow,
and woeful hearts melted through tepid strokes.
Light, right before the fade of dark.
Or fire seduced by adjacent streams.
It’s that closing of the gap as I near you.
Can you feel it?
The swaying hairs reaching from my arm.
Can you see it?
My swollen iris, lids double fluttering.
Or can you hear the wings of butterflies
pounding against captured air.
Long, rolling, syllables,
thinly spread upon a bed of silence;
begging to fill the space where you begin and I end.
And why is that as far as I’m allowed to get,
beside the respite of breath billowing between our lips?
I want to subsist inside the gap.
The difference of the two?
A slight of hand,
a slit between being alive and merely breathing.
July 12, 2012
This feels like a Yearbook entry, end of a track season, so I guess it is a yearbook entry of sorts.
So it has taken a few deep breaths for me to come up with the sound that formulates the words, “I did not make this year’s Olympic Team.’ There, it’s done, simply said and not as cumbersome as parts of me would try to lead the whole of me to believe. I made it down through the rounds to finals and didn’t make top three. Trinidad Olympic Trials was sorta’ nuts, and I a bit nuts in it. To be honest, I did immediately feel like death…or at least my ridiculous, unfounded, privileged concept of death…so maybe on the grand scheme of things in life, I was, simply put, disappointed. There I was in the middle of my love fest with sadness, you know those moments where you feel bad, and it feels right and deserving to feel bad, so you don’t feel too bad about feeling bad, you feel in happy ownership of a feeling that you think reflects an injustice or a misalignment with the universe. It’s this sora’ ‘This wasn’t supposed to happen’ attitude, that leads to terrible amounts of tears and an unraveling of questions dying to satiate something that in retrospect might be the best thing that ever happened to you. But how do you explain this to yourself and much less other people? I don’t know… I guess you don’t. You accept, you flow, you move and those who have always basked w/ you will only bask with you more.
I’m grateful to be a member of the Trinidad & Tobago National team. I’m grateful to have made it to the Olympic Trials & to have made it down to finals! I’m grateful to be able to compete in countries all over the world & meet amazing athletes & people. I run because I love track & because for whatever the reason it’s what I’m called to do right now in my life. I worked really hard, and gave everything I had at the moment, of course leaving, wondering if I could have given more from some undiscovered place inside of me. But I think the Achilles heel was not in how much I gave, that need not be amended, but I think an increase of relaxation ‘letting go’ sprinkled evenly amongst my hard work would have improved my fluidity & performance.
SO upon Docs orders
Here’ the case:
Didn’t make the Olympic team ( In company w/ so many friggin’ awesome athletes that worked hard as well and move on w/ happy realization that this is another door to a new beginning.)
Wee bit disappointed
Difficulty watching Olympic commercials
Occasional bouts of frowning mixed w/ heavy eyes
Melodramatic inner speeches ..man my other me can be such a critic…So i guess I should add schizophrenia to the list haha
Completely fine..( is that normal doc?)
SWALLOW THE PILL & GET SOME REST & MOVE ON & UP
Widening my perspective. Closing my eyes and opening my heart. Noticing what & who I have & all the beauty around me every moment I can and be uber grateful to be a witness of it all. Forging ahead w/ the clear vision of why I’m on this planet, happily relentless in my pursuit of unbridled manifestation. Expansion of my internal workings. Most importantly just enjoy the show!
YIKES! But ok.
The fact was, is and will always remain that I live a spectacular life. I have the strength & ideology to choose to follow my dreams and I have the support of the most amazing people around me who frankly most of them have no idea how track works and whether I came in first or last wouldn’t change the fundamental reason to why they love me. So to keep perspective on the matter, I made a list of just some of the amazing things that happened this year, that have made me happy, that have made me grow & that are essentially what life is all about.
This is where my victory lies, in the people I’ve met, the places I’ve gone, and to the expansion of my own soul through these smooth and uncomfortable times.
AND THE BEAT GOES ON……
- My Mom & Dad, they always believe in me. They support me, and they love me. Showing up since I was a kid to nearly every track meet I’ve ever run. My life w/o their love is nothing.
2. My Familia, they are always cheering for me from far & up close. Believing in me when I sometimes fail to believe in myself. They travel far just to watch me run at a meet and let me be in my little moods when a race doesn’t turn out how I like, even though they’ve come so far just to see me, maybe not even to see me run, just to see me. They let me be and only try to add on to that. My love for you cannot be summed up in words, thanks you guys. Favorite memory of mine this year would be ‘Prometheus’ & ‘Tron’ movie or should I say Tron X..noelle;)
3. To my closest friends on & off the track.
*My Baxter, Jacqueline Buda, who’s been my cousin since 7th grade. She attended meets in high-school, college and still she comes to support me. Her unconditional friendship & love has made me more whole. This year’s memory favorite of mine was Urban Outfitters day. Everything I have means all the more because of you.
*Jessica Sanchez, Brent Gray, Rodney Hawkins– Your friendship has allowed me to have a place outside my home to call home. Some of the greatest memories of my life have been created w/ all of you. Favorite one this year was going to dinner w/ Chreston…Jessica you know what happen haha.
*Billy & Karen– How could anyone you meet be so amazing so quickly and last so wonderfully?! Love at first sight, I’m a believer. Favorite hang time would be going to eat w/ Melanie, sitting in one restaurant while she sits in another haha…oh and Billy buying me a beer & Karen telling me there’s more calories in my thoughts than the beer…dang, hit the nail on the head. “shut up and run”…Working on this…but I guess the key is don’t work on it…just shut up…and do it. 😉
*Fiona & Andre– I saw you guys this year! Was so happy to have spent time with you and felt inspired by your relationship. Fiona, I don’t know why but even though I think we’re nearly the same age I look to you and admire your strength. Andre, your hidden crazy like me haha and you ended up w/ someone as great as Fiona, gives me hope as a Marchian haha, well that and you have a lovely balance that I am working to maintain.
*Amina, Robin, Simon, – So we did actually hang this year, the wedding! But we’ve hung out more than that, as I, in a very stalker manner, imagine you at many of my practices and meets (no joke) I think of you guys maybe more than is healthy I’m a better version of me in-part to you. The word love does not encompass my feelings for you all.
*Stephen– Where do I begin, you move me. You are a future bridesmaid (you don’t have to wear a dress…unless you want toJ. You have been one of the most important people in my life, and you always will be. I don’t care how far I am from you or you from me, I love you. And if you ever need a stalker, hey I’ll be there haha.
*Melanie Hardy- Ma ma Ma Mellllzoooo..man, this track thing would have been soooo much more teeth grinding had I not met you. You gave me a portal for me to feel like me. You have seen vulnerable sides of me that only my family sees. I only wish you ran the same event, but am ever grateful you are in the same sport. Paralleling our journey in life and certifying that you & I will be in constant support of each other.
*MacKenzie Hill, Greg Nixon, Joel Stallworth– I’m grateful every time I get to see you all. You make me happy. You are all ambitious, positive, giving and simply put really beautiful people that make this journey all the more sweet. You believe in me and have aided in guiding me towards being a better athlete & person through your kindness & openness. Fav. Time this year was watching Mackenzie dance @ her b-day party (dang you can dance haha) joking around w/ Joel & beating Greg at air hockey in Long Beach ahahah…didn’t I beat you? I think I did, nooo I’m pretty sure I did.
*Juanee Cilliers- My friend who got me through the European Circuit. You are a great athlete and you have a really loving heart. I’m happy although far away, that I know you:) xo
* Uche, Shannon R., Lance Von Stade, Toby Spanton, Vallery & Pascal Delauney, Hasmita, Rick (chameleon), Jackie Amaya, David Burgoyne (thanks David!! for HOody)-
Thank you all for your support and love throughout the years. Each one of you have made more of a difference than you realize in terms of adding positivity to my life and making things more fun and light. I’m grateful for you all.
*Joey Curtis, Jeff Settle, Austen Teofan, Reza, Nick K., – To my new friends that I have had some pretty amazing conversations, amazing might be an understatement. We’ve had some conversations that have injected some much needed perspective into my life. It’s exciting to meet new people that give you the feeling that you will know them for a long time. Although brief, I’m grateful for the impact -filled time spent w/ each of you. Not to mention your support in the dream of a somewhat complete stranger haha
LUCKY 7 Productions- Crew- Everyone I met while working at the film company in London. YOu guys were my first exposure to London. First time I felt at home outside my house. Sarcasm, wit, insanity and just a total lack of respect for mankind hahah..jk…one of the most fun & raw work enviroments I’ve ever had. The year I worked there was the year I was happily in the video bid for London to get the Olympics there. I secretly luv london and feel at home there..well not much of a secret anymore.:) Thank you all!
4. Track life support-
*Coach Darrell Smith– I feel fortunate to have had you as my coach. You are a track technical genius. You’ve made me a better athlete. I’m grateful for all the lessons, and helping me cross over to what it means to be a real professional athlete.
*Weight Trainer Paul Vincent– You make me better, through teachings and by example as an athlete & person…and you make it fun. I feel like silly me when I’m around you, which makes me enjoy working out more. I’m really grateful for you time & energy.
*My Teammates @ THRESHOLD ATHLETICS- Ryan Wilson- from the beginning I’ve looked to your training as something to aspire to. I’m lucky to have a teammate as seasoned as you. John Steffensen you always kept me on my toes and made me a stronger athlete, your track advice was beyond appreciated. Nia Ali– haha…I had to begin w/ a laugh because you make training fun for me and I admire you.. two in one… ai ai ai. Martina Giovanetti, your light attitude at track & addiction to tying your shoes, made practice more silly funny, and you made me a stronger athlete. Jenny Adams was happy to have had you at the start of the season, I learned so much from you.
*Trinidad & Tobago National Teammates & some of the great athletes I’ve met & continue to meet. Ayanna Hutchinson thank you for your kindness & Melissa De Leon thank you for helping me out w/ Canada and your kindness! Virgil Hodge (St.Kits) was happy/grateful to have roomed & ran w/ you in Canada.
*Peter Stuart & Sean– Meet directors in Canada, you guys were so amazing, I will never forget your kindness. THank you! The cliche about Canadians beaing pretty awesome, was proven right;)
*Mr.Comissiong– Thank you for always believing in me. I’m grateful for your support and guidance. The best is yet to come.
*Mr. Baboolal – Thank you for taking the time to listen open hearted & working to make my track career more fluid.
- To all the doctors, trainers and people at the best gym in the galaxy, ALTUS. Thank you! Especially LISAAAA I! You made coming to the gym on Mondays, super fun!:) & you made me happy.
- To my Nutritionist/Bio-Chemist…mystery man.. who helped keep me working:) Thank you!
- Trinidad medical team- Fitzbert & Crew- Thank yOu!
- Coaches at UCLA & Quincy W..Thank you for your support!
- TO my masseuse, Lance, To Doctor Gopaul and all the other people who help keep my body from unhinging, THANK YOU!!
To all the other supporters & believers that I may have not mentioned THANK YOUUU!!
MEDPODIUM, Cover Girl, CW-X Conditioning Wear, & Facehoody.
SO where do I go from here? Well w/ many lessons learned poppas got a brand new bag.. ok well maybe not that cool haha. I will keep training for one more Olympics. I have a lot of changes I am in the process of making to make this next phase a more fluid, happy, efficient path. My immediate focus track wise is the upcoming Moscow 2013 -14th IAAF World Championship next Aug.
So in the words of Ron Burgandy…. ‘Let the games begin….eighhoo!’ Not to mention I have some really amazing things happening w/ my writing that I will update you all on, when it goes into overdrive.
In conclusion deep down inside, underneath dissapointment and icky heavy feelings, I feel like the bomb diggity (eww I can’t believe that came out of my fingertips)..but yea, you heard right, daaa bombb diggity for having pursued my dream w/ such passionate vigor …and I will keep pursuing.
TO all my friends who did get their ticket stamped to go to the Olympics
Oh and can I give a shout-out to Louis CK…whose comedy styling’s got me through frustration.
Parental Guidance Advised haha;)
As I re-read this whole thing, you’d think I was dying or something haha..the point of this was to vent a little and to maybe not wait till death to say…
THANKKK YOUUUUU !!!
“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.” –Mary Pickford
May 13, 2012
Ladies and Gentlemen meet Zosienka, a successful artists residing in London whose artistic passion has led her to create paper goods, textiles, ceramics, stationary and beautiful, poignant designs for everyday objects, making her one of London’s finest Illustrators along with her Illustration partner Rosie. Their work in animation, marionettes & intricate biscuit-icing have attracted the attention of clients such as Bat- for- Lashes, Kele, Asbury and End of the World. The amusing energy of dark children’s stories, spirited creatures and natures spiraling shapes and patterns are intricately inked into every piece of work.
So, without further ado may I present, from London,one of the two precious gems,
ZOSIENKA & ROSIE ILLUSTRATION
Q & A
Favorite word: Porcupine
Favorite thing in nature: It’s impossible to have a favourite thing, I just enjoy the mystery of it all.
One of your movies: Arizona Dream
Favorite place to do art: A place that’s quiet and still, I have a studio.
Favorite music to inspire creativity: Miles Davis
Favorite smell: Rain on pavements
Favorite sound: Trees swaying
Where were you born: Johannesburg, South Africa
When you were a little what did you want to be?An acrobat. I had a trapeze in my bedroom and I’dswing on it every evening whilst listening to Jackson 5.
Was there a time you felt like you were not going to be able to make a living off of being an artist? If yes, what would you advice to others about pursuing their dreams based upon how you were able to manifest yours.
It is unfortunately a feeling that constantly comes and goes. I keep at it and the most important thing is to be adaptable. If you are trying to make your art a business, you have to apply it to the things people need, or think they need.
Who/What inspires or moves you? I’m very impressionable. Films often dictate my mood for days after I’ve seen them. That can be a good experience, as I’ll imagineI’m living on the shoes of those characters and might just look at the world in a different way for a while.
What is the message or story behind your art? There are no messages that I’m aware of as I have no intent of saying anything particular. What might be subconsciously communicated is another matter and one that won’t occur to me till much later.
What would you say is a strong key to being happy w/ oneself? That is a vital question. Maybe the key is not to have high expectations, rather to take things as they come and to live in the moment rather than keep waiting for things to change.
What are a few of your favorite things? Trees, I keep them in my home. Foxes, I’d love to keep them in my home but watch them from my window for now. Patchwork fabrics, I’mmaking a quilt. The little hats on acorns. And Cote D’Or Bouchee chocolate pralines.
April 13, 2012
I’m watching ‘V for Vendetta’ before I go to bed. I have a meet tomorrow and the one sentiment that the film deals with that I find myself tackling with is the ability to muster the strength to completely let go. It sounds like a oxymoron as there is no strength that is required in letting go, one simply decides then lets go; however it is so much easier said then done. Although I must say, when it comes to writing and art, I feel like letting go comes a bit more effortlessly, especially late at night. All my best writing is done in the evening or late at night. Speaking of writing, I’m on my final draft for my Indie Film ….finally! I have a meeting with my script consultant mid-June, so have to get it wrapped up. I have to figure out how to inspire creative thought during the day as I am unable o stay up late due to Track. Anyways, I’m really excited about it and have had very good feedback thus far so cheers to that.
So, getting back to that whole “letting go” thing, I like this scene because I feel it encompasses the idea of eradicating fear and being acutely attentive and in the moment. The dulcet mind lulling freedom that comes in completely letting go is something that I, in this journey of life, am fervently seeking.
February 16, 2011
The following list is a breakdown of some of the symbolism in the story.
Relationship w/Animals: Cinderella bonds with the animals in the story in such a way that emphasizes her connection with the world. She has not allowed society or the external factors to sway her inherent good nature.
Mice: The symbolism of the mice in the story is that of strength in small packages. In Cinderella, although the mice are physically small, they have more courage and sense to aid the heroin. In Ancient Greece, white mice were kept underneath the temple of the Greek God Apollo, as they were revered as sacred to the Sungod. He was also referred to as ‘Apollo Smintheus,’ which means Apollo the Mouse. The mice are an external manifestation of Cinderella’s own characteristics of strength, existing inside a vessel appearing to be helpless.
Birds: Are symbolic of freedom and a care-free nature.
Clock: At the beginning of the film, her singing is interrupted by the dinging of the bell. The bell is society and the illusion of time and confinement. The bell is the first external conflict Cinderella overcomes. As the bell rings, Cinderella says, “Oh that clock, kill joy! I hear you come on get up you say! Time to start another day, even he orders me around. Well there’s one thing, they can’t order me to stop dreaming! And perhaps someday the dreams that I wish will come true.”
Singing: The songs are sort of like mantras that keep Cinderella calm and help project her inner voice and vision. It also connects her with her dreams, along with the goodness of the world.
Cat (Lucifer): Not only is he the pet of the Step-mother and sisters but his name in the English Bible is the name given to the Devil. The word Lucifer is Latin for ‘light-bearer’ and refers to the Fallen Angel. Throughout the Disney Cinderella, she is constantly being challenged by the smug cat, whose lazy and entitled demeanor is a direct reflection of his masters. Despite his meaningless and comfortable cruelty, Cinderella presses on despite any temptation for revenge.
Step-mom and two sisters: They are symbolic of jealousy, pride, control, greed, possessiveness, supercilious adulation, and corruption.
Glass slipper: This is symbolic of the transparency of Cinderella’s character. The uncommonness of a glass slipper directly parallels with Cinderella’s uniqueness as well as her pristine purity. The glass slipper is the only thing that the Fairy Godmother did not transform from anything; they were a thing of magic. The carriage and horsemen were all things converted from a household object, which is why at the stroke of midnight they assumed their natural state. Cinderella dances, runs at the stroke of midnight and loses her glass slipper after the ball and the shoes do not break. The usage of something so fragile and incredibly brittle, as a viable material to be worn on the feet, is symbolic of strength through vulnerability, grace and everlasting beauty through the straits of adversity.
Fairy Godmother: She is the universe that responds to Cinderella’s inner voice. In the Disney Cinderella, the first time Cinderella nearly “loses faith” is after the step-sisters tear apart her dress and pull of her pearls leaving Cinderella with “nothing.” Cinderella cries, “I can’t believe anymore, there’s nothing to believe in.” Her Fairy Godmother appears saying, “There, there now, if you didn’t believe in anything I couldn’t be here.” The symbolism of the tearing of the necklace and pearls was merely a disrobing of material goods, leaving Cinderella alone with her consciousness and the universe. Luckily for Cinderella, her character was intact, so when she felt like she had nothing left to feel or believe in, the Universe was still operating within the realm of reflection (reflecting back to her what she was).
January 19, 2011
The bride wore an ivory vintage gown with a long, rounded diamond encrusted neckline that hung gently upon her soft shoulders. Diaphanous netted elbow length sleeves etched with patterned stars, floated over the air as she made her way down the aisle. Simple, yet elegant, the dress clung and relaxed in all the right places. She paced her way, hand in hand with her father, between the wooden church aisles to the tune of Frederick Loewes’ ‘Gigi’, from the 1959 Academy Award Best film. The groom
donned a gray suite, handsome and poised; his eyes held a loving gaze, the kind that every child since the age of sand boxes and nursery rhymes dreams about.
A vintage wedding in modern times; the church was filled with sincere hearts, open minds and purposeful breath. Witnessed on a rainy Saturday morning in a small church in Wimbledon, London, a rare moment of severe conscious breath took form in the exchange of vows. After having attended a beautiful wedding on the 8th of January, it got me thinking; marriage, of any kind, is not dead, it is our optimism and sentiment with action behind our words that has gone to the grave.
When I was in high-school I used to film weddings and receptions, two- a -weekend. After doing so for an entire summer, there were only two weddings that I attended in which both the bride and groom seemed to have
consciously and happily chosen their situation. All the other weddings had a strange energy; one of routine, of repetition, the essence of cliché was in the air. At nearly every wedding I attended, observation showed the brides and grooms furrow-browed, flustered and scattered prior to the ceremony and frozen-faced during. They repeated to one another their vows in the same way
one repeats the Pledge of Allegiance in grade school.
If we are not conscious of the dissidence or connection between
our words or sentiment and our ability to live up to what we’ve breathed life
into, then are we not in fact dooming marriage from the moment we first shake
hands with ‘the one’? Whilst in relationships, there are those who sheepishly
sport confident wolves’ clothing and allow their consciousness to escape them.
In doing so, without thought, they let their breath take over which results in
the inevitable disconnect between their actions
and their words.
Words, these vessels, bubbles at best, carrying sounds that are
meant to vibrate deep internal sentiment. For too many, feelings are carelessly
placed in hidden caves while our throats, like damaged faucets, leak accidental
empty words. Our breaths should be a place where gatherings of profoundly
filled cosmic letters reside, existing and motivated solely by virtuous intent.
We have witnessed throughout history the power of behemoth imaginations,
infused with optimism and conscious words instill peace, justice and love in
our world. Being that it has and can be done on a massive world scale level,
then it’s even more possible to achieve such greatness within the immediacy of
our own relationships.
Although it is difficult to be conscious of all our words at all times, it is something to work towards. We all have moments where we utter things and we are either not attentive to or sometimes we do not respect the weight of the words that travel from our hearts and inevitably
fill the silence. We merely let words slip, escape and tumble between our lips. As time goes by, something jolts us wide awake and for the first time in years, many will consciously attest to not choosing their path. I assure you in fact, that every path we are on and every situation we are in, we have imagined with our thoughts and drawn out with our lips. Some of us have more challenges than
others, yet one of the miracles of life is choice; the ability to choose where
to go from wherever we are and with whom we take with us.
It should be a goal every day, to inject consciousness into our breath, so that our words do not fly upon their own accord, planting oblivious seeds that sprout as unwanted weeds. An ‘I love you’ backed by optimism, purity, action and gut-induced sentimentality is as refulgent as a
star, as powerful as the gravity that pulls the tides and aside from death, probably the only thing that can make your heart stand still, if only for a beat.
So I say, as with our glasses, let us then raise our sentiment and
action to meet our voices, happily accepting responsibility and boldly daring
to say consciously filled “I do’s”. These are the building blocks of,
although a cliché saying, the most sought after experience of “and they lived
happily ever after.”