Porcelain Cup

July 10, 2013

And held between my knees and this gray old cotton skirt,

A porcelain cup it rests, with swivels of you in melted dirt.

And inside these swivels of you, are looping, daydreams
Sparked by deeds, not done, and never ever to be seen.

*

Steam engulfing reveries swimming in my pretty porcelain rivulet.

And all the while I take long

loud, visceral, sipssss

Close my eyes and let the vapor stroke my eager thirsty lips.

*

Sitting here, tapping my foot to the beat of my pen
Imaging you walk through the door,

over & over again & again.

Foam tracings of what was once suppressed, now expressed.
And I delightful in it’s proclivity towards daydreams tasty & undressed.

*

Oh so flushed and out of sync,

my fancy for you makes me re-run & over-think.
Proliferating feelings of upside down, right side up, see-through, covered,

 so in & sane this love drunkard.

*

But until snow and wind freeze you on my way.
(Warmth being the thing you feel with everything I say.)
I’ll spill my ink on willing leaves and scribble away brain waves.
Stare into heated porcelain and see visions;
Falling leaves falling for me, jellyfish stinging you in your head and  having you wake up in my storm happy bed.

*

Transparent cravings bottled in the angst of firmly, fixed fingers
Pressed against floating like fuzzys, sealed in my coffee rim figures.

Man Ray, Self-Portrait with Camera (1930) and, left, Solarised Portrait of Lee Miller (1929)

“But they say if you dream a thing more than once, it’s sure to come true. “

Advertisements

The List

February 3, 2013

A silly story about a girl, her fixation, a guy and her list.

Flipping through programming trying to erase you from my channel,

There I was, second day straight, hypnotized while living in my flannel.

Tumblr_le5wh5x9oj1qc21oto1_500_large

With the same feelings of  a 13-year-old, all giggly and dewy eyed.

Tumblr_mdxfr379171rpd17no1_400_large

When he walked into that room, everything from gravity and life as I knew it, ceased to exist.

And I swear I saw two of him coexist.

Tumblr_mfu7aqvmvn1rkpfn6o1_500_large

And my whole point of being, was summarized by the life in his luminous eyes.

All it took was one look, and I told myself, “Don’t say anything unwise!”

Tumblr_mhixbv2b521r1nfy1o1_400_large

483087_341739839275146_879208969_n_large

I was fixated, forever haunted and entranced by, wait did he bite his lip?

Soft, beckoning and in slow motion, ok he didn’t, get a grip.

Tumblr_mhnd7fqvwj1rnoo4po1_500_large

Tumblr_mfcnykw4ss1rorj9vo1_250_large

My veins and all body mechanics became employed by my imagination, he had me, jaw dropped & twinkled eyes;

he was the tune, on a permanent rotation.

Tumblr_mg4qagbkl61qjt17zo1_500_large

Tomorrow was going to be Monday, he’d give me wink and walk by my desk,

And I, I’d pretend I didn’t care, I’d stand there, non-nonchalant and statuesque

Sudden obsession birthed from a childhood spent in boy defiance and aggression,

Tumblr_m1gansxjmc1rp7m7ho1_500_large

Became unmanageable, un-treatable and after two-weeks, no longer could I repress him.

And in reality, his utter lack of attention to me?

Well, it drove me crazy!

Tumblr_mhgukyysqw1rtiqeao1_500_large

I devised a plan, which consisted of,

do everything and anything you can to get this man!

So here’s my list to secure this mans undying kiss:

Tumblr_mhmagcldxj1rshl2ho1_500_large

Night before: Practice cat walk and pouting

Tumblr_ltl99ontqp1qbwy3to1_500_large

And rehears to say something funny and astounding.

Tumblr_mhmdaxuf5k1rilq5mo1_400_large

Ajuma_Nasenyana11_238039528

Post notes all over the house, for support

Try on everything in your closet nothing too long, nothing too short!

Tumblr_mgyhi8x4g61rtad8co1_500_large

Nothing good enough in closet

I must design something, sexy, no, Audrey Hepburn like not hobbit.

Tumblr_mgogsipqwt1qez00mo1_500_large

Tumblr_mgxoh0pxox1qez00mo1_500_large

Read,

face mask,

meditation

and when I wake up in the morning,

He will exist more than in my imagination.

Tumblr_mflb5qvthz1qbvgp5o3_1280_large

.

Went to sleep and dreamt of him in my bed,

And when I woke up I realized it was all in my head

Tumblr_mh796p9xn81rr9ghko1_400_large

Tumblr_mgzxyk4ugh1rb2an4o1_500_large

Early morning, while brushing teeth, practice the perfect smile.

“Confidence, class, sophistication, it’s not an act, it’s a lifestyle.”

Now, apply red, no pink, no purple, green and glitter!

Tumblr_mgzsym0szb1s28f9no1_500_large

Tumblr_m8ptansidu1qif4xao1_500_large

Tumblr_mgxjlgwpip1s3lkruo1_400_large

Wait isn’t red, the color of someone sexy and clever?!

Tumblr_lwvzbjcgis1qmpg90o1_500_large

dd

Now for something comfortable and not too dramatic.

I hope this little black dress is quiet enough but causes him to panic.

Tumblr_mh8vzgbqz41rzeak4o1_500_large

And will top it off with a sweater with just a small subtle sign;

Little does he know, I spent all night cutting this design.

Tumblr_mh7uptnitk1s1mjseo1_500_large

No more list, I’m out the door, like a battalion walking tall and suave, on a mission for amor.

1z_large

Aa_girlsss_large

There he is, buttoning his coat,

try to act natural, bury your head in your book and don’t dote!

216032113346606248_pkpzsanp_c_large

Oh my god! He called my name,

Collect yourself!  Now act mysterious and tame.

tumblr_m727haiweu1qzvrrzo1_500

7dd3ebc2c95ba09b0b6b53e0f82e7351_large.jpg

“How was your weekend?” he asked.

And like a kid in a candy store I was dumbfounded stuck in trance.

Tumblr_m6t5sb980p1r3k8svo1_400_large

Tumblr_m94ko8vek81qj73e2o1_500_large

“Well, ya know, weekends are, so weekend like, ya know.”

Tumblr_m7s4rkvzub1r7yleco1_500_large

What did I just say, it didn’t make any sense,

and as soon as I tried to get my thoughts together,

my brother grabbed my cheeks and made me look so dense.

Tumblr_mg2e76kghv1r8iv71o1_500_large

Thinking it was my boyfriend, that’s why he walked away!

And I’m here left alone, with nothing clever to say.

All-i-want-is-the-taste-that-your-li_5b1_5d_large

Ok, must regroup, emergency ‘cool chick’ cigarettes, plan b,

so he can get close and light it up for me.

lens4637822_1242419705dl026

Tumblr_mhk3zoukpe1rvam7wo1_500_large

But I don’t smoke, so a huge plume of death got caught my throat.

Tumblr_mhlzyhgz6i1revg8fo1_400_large

Bathroom emergency, second regroup, should have made him a chocolate cake, no that could give him a toothache.

Tumblr_lx4xd9tzau1ql0a35o1_500_large

OK a shot of perfume and a little bit of  eye liner,

Must try to act a little daintier and exceptionally refiner.

Tumblr_mc9p83elj61qlkwd8o1_500_large

Getimage_large

Now reapply some color and imagine its him helpful and dapper.

Tumblr_mcpb8tuq6p1r600xqo1_500_large

Ok, act two, there he is,

stand next to him,

and read a book while pretending to be a genius a whiz.

above(image from amazing photographer Darren Roberts collection)

Now sit, and curl a strand of your hair.

Do anything to make him aware.

Tumblr_mhbksn1gei1rf9b4po1_500_large

Tease and eat with moving lips, but not enough to go to the hips.

Tumblr_mdqznrtdcp1rl96cao1_500_large

He’s not paying attention!

It’s like I don’t exist,

Tumblr_mh2chpj6z91qz4d4bo1_500_large

Maybe I should just jump his bones and attach my face to his!

3865_446963505368679_1672120297_n_large

I know!  I’ll blow a bubble,

 he’s the least of my troubles.

Splash, the plan backed up on me,

my face is ridiculed with failed attempts, smudged & sticky!

Tumblr_lxvr9jtkse1qgorv8o1_400_large

Now what I’ve done?! He’s gone and walked away,

And there’s a thousand voices inside of me pleading for him to stay!

Tumblr_mh1k619ipy1rjtbmdo1_500_large

I had so much to say,

but nothing showed up,

I was not eloquent or brave;

only desperate and him, probably fed up.

2303757_460s_large

Oh well, so much for the day, my feelings & my heart I did not convey.

What’s so great about him anyways?

His smile,

His eyes,

His laugh,

The way he listens to me on my behalf?

2a2cfa4e3094375426868d91d8fbdb1d_large

No, he’s just a man,

I don’t like him,

matter of fact, I’m putting him on a mental ban!

Tumblr_mef4fwej8b1qlp5emo1_1280_large

Tumblr_mhnrqgfg1i1s50nj9o1_500_large

Tumblr_mdux3lmtku1rjwp3bo1_500_large

And right when I was going to cry you wouldn’t believe what came before my eyes.

Tumblr_mhm743r4hy1rqer5go1_500_large

Flowers in hand he gave to me while whispering in my ear that he wanted only me.

Tumblr_mhkpg5xuta1s1njiqo1_500_large

We sat by the pond, he pulled me in close and pointed to me everywhere in his heart that I had enclosed.

Tumblr_mfe87lca0h1rh1wv4o1_500_large

734781_478001825580541_1183798479_n_large

I just smiled from ear to ear,

For what would I do for love?  Well, what wouldn’t I dare.

Oh! And did I mentioned we kissed!

Tumblr_mgzw3migco1r2t1yyo1_500_large

_____________________________

THE LIST

Flipping through programming trying to erase you from my channel,

There I was, second day straight, hypnotized while living in my flannel.

With the same feelings of  a 13-year-old, all giggly and dewy eyed.

When he walked into that room, everything from gravity and life as I knew it, ceased to exist.

And I swear I saw two of him coexist.

And my whole point of being, was summarized by the life in his luminous eyes.

All it took was one look, and I told myself, “Don’t say anything unwise!”

I was fixated, forever haunted and entranced by, wait did he bite his lip?

Soft, beckoning and in slow motion, ok he didn’t, get a grip.

My veins and all body mechanics became employed by my imagination, he had me, jaw dropped & twinkled eyes;

he was the tune, on a permanent rotation.

Tomorrow was going to be Monday, he’d give me wink and walk by my desk,

And I, I’d pretend I didn’t care, I’d stand there, non-nonchalant and statuesque

Sudden obsession birthed from a childhood spent in boy defiance and aggression,

Became unmanageable, un-treatable and after two-weeks, no longer could I repress him.

And in reality, his utter lack of attention to me?

Well, it drove me crazy!

I devised a plan, which consisted of,

do everything and anything you can to get this man!

So here’s my list to secure this mans undying kiss:

Night before: Practice cat walk and pouting

And rehears to say something funny and astounding.

Post notes all over the house, for support

Try on everything in your closet nothing too long, nothing too short!

Nothing good enough in closet

I must design something, sexy, no, Audrey Hepburn like not hobbit.

Read,

face mask,

meditation

and when I wake up in the morning,

He will exist more than in my imagination.

Went to sleep and dreamt of him in my bed,

And when I woke up I realized it was all in my head

Early morning, while brushing teeth, practice the perfect smile.

“Confidence, class, sophistication, it’s not an act, it’s a lifestyle.”

Now, apply red, no pink, no purple, green and glitter!

Wait isn’t red, the color of someone sexy and clever?!

Now for something comfortable and not too dramatic.

I hope this little black dress is quiet enough but causes him to panic.

And will top it off with a sweater with just a small subtle sign;

Little does he know, I spent all night cutting this design.

No more list, I’m out the door, like a battalion walking tall and suave, on a mission for amor.

There he is, buttoning his coat,

try to act natural, bury your head in your book and don’t dote!

Oh my god! He called my name,

Collect yourself!  Now act mysterious and tame.

“How was your weekend?” he asked.

And like a kid in a candy store I was dumbfounded stuck in trance.

“Well, ya know, weekends are, so weekend like, ya know.”

What did I just say, it didn’t make any sense,

and as soon as I tried to get my thoughts together,

my brother grabbed my cheeks and made me look so dense.

Thinking it was my boyfriend, that’s why he walked away!

And I’m here left alone, with nothing clever to say.

Ok, must regroup, emergency ‘cool chick’ cigarettes, plan b,

so he can get close and light it up for me.

But I don’t smoke, so a huge plume of death got caught my throat.

Bathroom emergency, second regroup, should have made him a chocolate cake, no that could give him a toothache.

OK a shot of perfume and a little bit of  eye liner,

Must try to act a little daintier and exceptionally refiner.

Now reapply some color and imagine its him helpful and dapper.

Ok, act two, there he is,

stand next to him,

and read a book while pretending to be a genius a whiz.

Now sit, and curl a strand of your hair.

Do anything to make him aware.

Tease and eat with moving lips, but not enough to go to the hips.

He’s not paying attention!

It’s like I don’t exist,

Maybe I should just jump his bones and attach my face to his!

I know!  I’ll blow a bubble,

 he’s the least of my troubles.

Splash, the plan backed up on me,

my face is ridiculed with failed attempts, smudged & sticky!

Now what I’ve done?! He’s gone and walked away,

And there’s a thousand voices inside of me pleading for him to stay!

I had so much to say,

but nothing showed up,

I was not eloquent or brave;

only desperate and him, probably fed up.

Oh well, so much for the day, my feelings & my heart I did not convey.

What’s so great about him anyways?

His smile,

His eyes,

His laugh,

The way he listens to me on my behalf?

No, he’s just a man,

I don’t like him,

matter of fact, I’m putting him on a mental ban!

And right when I was going to cry you wouldn’t believe what came before my eyes.

Flowers in hand he gave to me while whispering in my ear that he wanted only me.

We sat by the pond, he pulled me in close and pointed to me everywhere in his heart that I had enclosed.

I just smiled from ear to ear,

For what would I do for love?  Well, what wouldn’t I dare.

OH and did I mentioned, we kissed!

Spoken Like a True Lady

February 2, 2013

My sister recently sent me an interview done with Dakota Fanning by  Glamour Magazine for this upcoming March, and I must say I was refreshingly surprised!  To hear someone who stands upon such a large stage, maintain such a refined, confident and introspective concept about dating, was, for lack of a better word, cool.

Since (who knows when it began), there have been so many books and films telling us how to bate, catch and date; like the film, ‘Think Like a Lady act Like a Man,’ whose main premise is to give “insight” into the male mind. Maybe instead of incessantly calculating and game playing, dating everyone who bats an eye at us, and treating men or woman as a cliché and stereotype, we’d find more long-term satisfaction in dealing with people on a one-on-one human to human basis.

I realize that there are stereotypes that are true and that for some, reading these books, and watching these films “helps” them navigate the dating world, but I think that all this time people spend dating others should be mostly split with time dating oneself. I’m not suggesting everyone take themselves to a dinner and movie every night (although on occasion not a bad idea), only, that the more you are truly acquainted with yourself, the less you would need to browse the book store to know what types of books you like.  I’m not saying dating is bad, in fact for some, it’s the only way they distinguish between what they want and don’t want.  I just think that less is more, and that in the end, it should really be about the quality of humans that you are selecting in-verse of the quantity. The fact is,  if you get to truly know yourself really well, you won’t have to sift through so many people because you will know what you want when you meet it.

I suppose, in the world of pastries it would be tantamount to knowing that your tongue and tummy prefer to eat a delectable Crème brûlée over a bowl with a potpourri of 100 different types of sweets. While a Crème brûlée does take longer to make then a bunch of cookies, it is well-worth the wait.  Or as my sister says when we are at restaurants deciding on which dessert, “Why am I going to eat a bunch of jello when I know I want Crème brûlée. Even though I’m hungry, I’ll wait for the best desert.”

Draft_lens17061601module145111921photo_1294264653love_quotes-_valentines_d_large

155303887120114518_nbxsvhef_c_large 

Knowing what you want and waiting for it, will lend quicker to a satisfied palate, and perhaps is the best recipe for an everlasting love. The truth is, there’s nothing silly, strange, or naive about a perspective that sits in the belly of knowing who you are,  what you want and waiting for exactly that. I find her answer to be quite temperate and thoughtful in a world that can be so quick, sticky and gluttonous. Perhaps I’ll sum it up with words of Saint Augustine, who said it best with,” Patience is the companion of wisdom”


The following is an excerpt from Glamour Magazine:

Dakota Fanning may be entwined in “The Twilight Saga” franchise, but she has nothing to do with any of the romantic drama that surrounds many of its other stars off-camera. In fact, she doesn’t even date.

“I don’t really date,” the 18-year-old says in the March issue of Glamour.

Wait, what?! What kind of teenager isn’t interested in dating?

“I have a weird vision of relationships because my parents have known each other since second grade, and they got married right out of college,” she explains. “I’ve always thought that’s what it’s supposed to be like, and if it’s not, then I don’t want to waste my time on it. Even when I was 14, I was like, ‘I’m not gonna marry this person. What’s the point of doing it?’ It’s not me being naive. I just know what it’s supposed to be like. And I think until I feel that, I cannot be bothered.”

Ever the surprising young woman, Dakota also credits her 14-year-old sister, Elle, as being an inspiration.

“She’s very uninhibited and will try pretty much anything,” Dakota says. “Even the way she dresses — she dresses totally for herself. She risks being made fun of … by me, which I sometimes do, because I’m an older sister! But I totally admire her and think she’s very cool.”

Patience1-500x499_large
735138_538310452854870_357357423_n_large
Tumblr_mheu74n4uy1rll5uio1_500_large

 

It’s NEW!  I Guess, that means.. I need It?

These next few weeks if you plan to go to the mall, you might see a volley of iPhone 5 ravenously hungry customers wrapped around the Apple stores. Opening weekend, Apple sold $5 million iPhone 5’s in three days and according to Barclays, Apple may sell 45.2 million iPhones in the December quarter and 170.7 million through next September. My question is, why?! Ok, so my knowledge of the new phone extends to a small excerpt I listened to on Conan O’ Brien the other day where a gadget expert said the biggest difference between this one and the old phone is it’s thinner, has a bigger screen, a panoramic camera and is much quicker.  I get that it’s technologically more advanced than the last, as was the one before, and the one before, but just because it’s new doesn’t mean we need it.  Not to say I don’t own things I don’t need, but the problem is not in having things you want and don’t need, the problem is we are becoming numbingly comfortable with the excessiveness of the things we don’t need at the cost of the things we do.

We are nurturing our obsessive like relationships with technology over our relationship with others and worst off, ourselves. Now, I’m not one of those people who’s completely adverse to technology, and think things would be better if we went back to “snail mail” times; I just think we have abandoned some much needed balance and have confused movement for progress. One of the main reasons many of the great empires of the world fell were because they were technologically and industrially advancing faster than the emotional and psychological human development.

Once upon a time, the wait to get a message from a love one or friend would take as long as weeks or even months, which means patience, faithfulness and the integrity of one’s word was crucial, because you had one time to leave that impression and express a sentiment before you would get a reply. Even before cell phones, when landlines were all we had, if you told someone you were meeting them somewhere, you’d have to be sure, because once you or they left the house there was no way to re-schedule or be late without looking tacky or inconsiderate.  Lucky or maybe unlucky for us, we live in an age where you can get a reply or change your plans within seconds. So what I don’t get, is if we’ve decreased the time it takes to get a message,  you’d think we’d be less apt to jump to conclusions if we don’t get a text within two minutes of sending one,  you’d think we’d be bully less, we would know our friends better, you’d think we’d honor commitments more,  that the divorce rate would be way less than 50% (75% in California), you’d think that people’s social graces and manners would be more intact, you’d think people would be just overall more knowledgeable and more compassionate, you’d think.

I mean we really have it good, at the click or vocal command of a button, we can send someone a message! Could you imagine the hysteria that would ensue if we had to use the old fashioned ways of connecting such as camels, dogs, horses, pigeons, and reindeers, not to mention boats?!  To deliver mail in Alaska in 1899 they used reindeers. In Canada and Alaska from 1896-1903 they used dogs to pull their sleds, and in Australia, Afghan cameleers would take around 4 weeks on a 520 kilometer journey.  As for the main carriers of mail throughout the world since ancient times, horses and homing pigeons were used to delivered government, war news and personal messages.

Sorry I gotta’ interrupt this article real quick, hold on.  Let me, just, finish my text real quick and I’ll umm, get back to my point, you can keep talking though, I’m listening really I am….

Wait where was I, oh ok, right, so today we have phones, Facebook, twitter, and a number of other social networking sites whose  major intent, I do believe are to connect people, but like any great tool, it is in how it is utilized that makes it a thing of creation or a thing of destruction within a civilization.  According to Digital Buzz Blog, 87% of the world’s populations are currently mobile subscribers, 48% of young people in 2011 got their news through Facebook, and over 700 Billion minutes a month are spent on Facebook with 48% of 18-34 year olds checking as they awake.  I am not saying get rid of these things, I have Facebook, twitter, a blog, a computer, and a good phone, but they don’t take the place of good old fashioned communication and human interactions nor should they be utilize to create a make-belief world. I  must say, that while I do see some of the benefits of this new social revolution and at times participate, it wasn’t without feeling a bit  begrudged over the notion of succumbing to the pressures of  keeping in touch, doing business and networking in an almost paper & email-less world. It’s as if once something is invented people forget how they used to function before.

The problem with Facebook, contemporary phones, eReaders, iPods, iPad, twitter, and our most modern machines is they are not being used as additional ways to connect and inform, an they aren’t  improving our linguistic skills or the quality of the news. Modern technology and this new social revolution are substituting and morphing our tactile day to day interactions with people and events and disconnecting us from reality while injecting us into an “I” driven virtual reality run world.

Burson-Marsteller Global Social Media Check-Up 2012

Aside from ways of keeping in touch, social media sites are often used to sell to others an alternate reality of what one wishes their life would be or what they would like others to think of them via a barrage of status updates or photos of how “awesome” my life is or “how sexy, confident, and independent I am, outside of what you normally see” photos. While we’re on the subject of sexy, taking a photo of yourself in your bathroom mirror, mid-torso up with your shirt off or in a bra with your lips puckered, only advertises  a deep need for public affirmation and attention. In addition, topics like your relationship, whether it’s dribble from a break-up, partner information or sexual information, shouldn’t be reduced to status updates as if there’s nothing private or sacred anymore.

Facebook and twitter give people a stage to be all talk and no action. They redefines bravery and affirms cowardice with a platform for people to speak their minds in ways that they would hardly dare to in person. There was once a time where only the few were given a stage to say something, and when they said it, it would make people think and want to research and find out more. Now, the mystery is gone, the desire to discover others has waned because with the click of a button you can just go into someone’s Facebook and look at their entire life via photos. I feel like it’s the same equivalent of leaving the door to your house open when you’re not home, someone just wonders in and looks through all your stuff, walks out with their assumptions of knowing you and you never knew they were there, but are somehow ok with that. Gone are the days of sitting down with a photo album and laughing as you turn the pages, gone are the days of having to actually work, create or do something worthwhile to get your message heard. Oh and you can forget about love letters, we’ve apparently made it clear that texting “I ‘Heart’ U ‘smiley face,'” does the trick.

Somewhere along the lines, we have linked the word new and faster with better, which is great for companies like Google who annually earn 2.5 Billion in mobile ad revenue convincing you of this.  While we spend our time thinking that it’s a great and efficient idea to manage and contain our world on little digital machines or to allow computers and apps to take the place of people, places and events, we  lose out on the human experience and amplify the hysteric need for stimulation to authenticate and activate our emotions.

I’ve been watching commercials on tv where they advertise groups of friends hanging out online or a young girl introducing her new boyfriend to her father via a web cam or the worst of them all are those Siri personal assistant commercials.The fact is, no amount or ordering digital songs on iTunes will take the place of going to a music store like Tower Records, to listen to and find your favorite CD while you read through the lyrics or even better, making a mixed CD for your buddy or crush. With companies like Redbox and Netflix, future generations will miss out on walking the aisles of  Blockbuster or Hollywood Video whilst reminiscing on old films as they pick up a new one. It is those interactions with people in the stores, in the grocery line or the checkout clerk or even being tutored by a person inverse of a computer or sitting in a library doing research, touching and smelling the history that romantically envelops a  book, that make for some of the most funny, intimate, unplanned and memorable experiences.

This new social revolution is breeding the next generation of kids who are  bored and starved of the beauty and significance of simplicity, nature, imagination, adventure and experience as the new toy is a notebook computer and portable TV’s become backseat babysitters in cars taking coloring books and landscapes out of commission. One thing is for sure, all this text talking and technological reliant behavior is totally killing the classic story elements that made films like these so timeless: ‘Say Anything,’ ‘High Fidelity,’Three Amigos,’ ‘Working Girl,’ ‘Sixteen Candles,’ ‘When Harry Met Sally,’ ‘She’s Having a Baby,’ ‘Goonies,” ‘Ferris Buller’s Day Off,’ and  ‘Princess Bride.’

In a society where everything is revealed and patience is at an all-time low, gone are the days of heightened mystery and intrigue and taking the time to actually, with a marinated palpable attentiveness, get to know someone or something outside of an app or website.

You see, with all that time we supposedly saved, no one really seems to use it to stop, bask, see, feel and truly, smell the roses.

 

A Union of Thoughts

January 19, 2011

tumblr_md2jolu4bJ1rbw92yo1_500_large

The bride wore an ivory vintage gown with a long, rounded diamond encrusted neckline that hung gently upon her soft shoulders. Diaphanous netted elbow length sleeves etched with patterned stars, floated over the air as she made her way down the aisle. Simple, yet elegant, the dress clung and relaxed in all the right places. She paced her way, hand in hand with her father, between the wooden church aisles to the tune of Frederick Loewes’ ‘Gigi’, from the 1959 Academy Award Best film.  The groom
donned a gray suite, handsome and poised; his eyes held a loving gaze, the kind that every child since the age of sand boxes and nursery rhymes dreams about.

tumblr_lw5tduOygu1r6glaso1_400

A vintage wedding in modern times; the church was filled with sincere hearts, open minds and purposeful breath. Witnessed on a rainy Saturday morning in a small church in Wimbledon, London, a rare moment of severe conscious breath took form in the exchange of vows. After having attended a beautiful wedding on the 8th of January, it got me thinking; marriage, of any kind, is not dead, it is our optimism and sentiment with action behind our words that has gone to the grave.

When I was in high-school I used to film weddings and receptions, two- a -weekend. After doing so for an entire summer, there were only two weddings that I attended in which both the bride and groom seemed to have
consciously and happily chosen their situation. All the other weddings had a strange energy; one of routine, of repetition, the essence of cliché was in the air. At nearly every wedding I attended, observation showed the brides and grooms furrow-browed, flustered and scattered prior to the ceremony and frozen-faced during. They repeated to one another their vows in the same way
one repeats the Pledge of Allegiance in grade school.

If we are not conscious of the dissidence or connection between
our words or sentiment and our ability to live up to what we’ve breathed life
into, then are we not in fact dooming marriage from the moment we first shake
hands with ‘the one’? Whilst in relationships, there are those who sheepishly
sport confident wolves’ clothing and allow their consciousness to escape them.
In doing so, without thought, they let their breath take over which results in
the inevitable disconnect between their actions
and their words.

Words, these vessels, bubbles at best, carrying sounds that are
meant to vibrate deep internal sentiment. For too many, feelings are carelessly
placed in hidden caves while our throats, like damaged faucets, leak accidental
empty words. Our breaths should be a place where gatherings of profoundly
filled cosmic letters reside, existing and motivated solely by virtuous intent.
We have witnessed throughout history the power of behemoth imaginations,
infused with optimism and conscious words instill peace, justice and love in
our world. Being that it has and can be done on a massive world scale level,
then it’s even more possible to achieve such greatness within the immediacy of
our own relationships.

tumblr_m8xrc7PovV1qi2riwo1_500_large

Although it is difficult to be conscious of all our words at all times, it is something to work towards. We all have moments where we utter things and we are either not attentive to or sometimes we do not respect the weight of the words that travel from our hearts and inevitably
fill the silence. We merely let words slip, escape and tumble between our lips. As time goes by, something jolts us wide awake and for the first time in years, many will consciously attest to not choosing their path. I assure you in fact, that every path we are on and every situation we are in, we have imagined with our thoughts and drawn out with our lips. Some of us have more challenges than
others, yet one of the miracles of life is choice; the ability to choose where
to go from wherever we are and with whom we take with us.

It should be a goal every day, to inject consciousness into our breath, so that our words do not fly upon their own accord, planting oblivious seeds that sprout as unwanted weeds. An ‘I love you’ backed by optimism, purity, action and gut-induced sentimentality is as refulgent as a
star, as powerful as the gravity that pulls the tides and aside from death, probably the only thing that can make your heart stand still, if only for a beat.

So I say, as with our glasses, let us then raise our sentiment and
action to meet our voices, happily accepting responsibility and boldly daring
to say consciously filled “I do’s”. These are the building blocks of,
although a cliché saying, the most sought after experience of “and they lived
happily ever after.”

paul-newman-joanne-woodward-kiss

It takes wisdom to recognize when you are in an unhealthy relationship and takes great courage to actually throw in the towel. Failure is being in a loveless relationship that cripples the very essence of your being. Success is knowing what is healthy for you and what you deserve and going after it. Life is too short to just “coast” through a relationship. Stop being a passenger and grab hold of the wheel. It’s never too late to start over again and to get what you deserve; love and happiness.

10. Tit for tat: When your relationship (conscious or unconsciously) becomes “I do this for you, you do this for me,” your relationship is running on an empty tank. A healthy relationship does not spawn from a checklist mentality but from the natural desire to just want to take care of and do things for each other.

9.  Dead end: If you are in a relationship where your partner sees no need for personal growth in order to decrease weaknesses, than you’re dealing with a blockade. Some people will live in a gray area to justify or cloud their destructive or negative ways.  A brave person will confront not run away from the good and bad in themselves. Consistent individual progress is very crucial to a healthy relationship w/o it; it’s only a matter of time before you hit a dead end.

8.  No effort no interest: The person you love should be willing and wanting to get to know the people you love and the things you love. It’s not normal if the only effort and interest they show in your life is only when it is about you and them or only you. If your partner is not interested in the things that make you who you are, then it’s only a matter of time before they do not care about you.

7.  Alter who you are: You should not be fighting or trying really hard for someone to accept and love you.  Single and joint growth is a very important part of the relationship.  It is not normal when your partner is bent on completely changing who you are and does not accept your positive quirks, your personality and the things that make you unique. If they don’t accept you now, they never will.

6.  All talk no action: Love is a verb. When you love someone you don’t just say it you manifest the word. It is in the way you look at them, the way you listen to them, the way you touch them, the way you show and treat them. Saying “I love you” means nothing without action.

5.  I come bearing gifts: If your way or your partners’ way of expressing “I Love you” or “I’m sorry” ALWAYS or MOSTLY comes in the form of a gift instead of actually talking things out, you are not solving your issues. Hoarding your issues and not showing or telling someone how you truly feel will only create a false sense of security.

4.  Comfortably uncomfortable: Staying in an unhealthy relationship because you are “comfortable” or “used to it” is probably the worst reason to stay. Foremost reasons like your “afraid to be alone” or you’ve shared “time” or “friends” or “assets,” should be the number one, not last reason why you should not be together.  If you’re main reason for being with someone is not rooted in respect, happiness and deep love for each other than you need to re-evaluate your definition of comfortable.

3. I’m smiling but I’m really hurt: Always being passive aggressive with your partner is a self-defense mechanism that does not enable your partner to truly know who you are and how you feel. If you’re in a relationship that is not open to expressing honest feelings and are constantly having passive aggressive or sarcastic exchanges than you are destroying your foundation of trust, respect and will eventually drift apart from knowing each other.

2.  Downer trumps upper: It’s not normal to have more downers and unhappy moments in a relationship than happy ones. When every new event presented by life turns into a new reason why someone “can’t” be with you, than they are only finding an excuse to get out of the relationship.  Of course it’s important to work things out but being in a constant long-term state of “trying,” will not suffice. Sometimes failure is staying in something that makes you more stressed than happy.

1. Conflict driven: If your relationship is riddled with fights, big or small, and you cannot be civil and loving in your discourse and find a healthy and normal way to talk about things, than you might be in trouble. When everything i.e. jobs, friends, gifts, family, etc., turns in to an argument, then you are in a conflict driven relationship. Love should not be a stressful and painful ordeal.   If you are hurting all the time or a lot of the time, then it’s about time for you to get out.

You Snoop You Loose

September 22, 2009

You Snoop You Loose

Eye Spy

Yesterday I was on MSNBC.com and I was surprised when I read the headline for one of their news stories on Relationships written by someone who not only has a PH.D but who is a Sex Therapist, Relationship Counselor and a TODAYShow.com contributor.  The title of the article was “Why you should snoop on your spouse online.”  Thinking that maybe the articles message was something possibly deeper or smarter than the headline, I read further. Turns out the article itself lacked just as much relationship sense as the title did.  Sex therapist Ian Kerner believes that when it comes to couples issues “Internet Infidelity” is the biggest.

He says, “The internet is still a relatively new technology and there isn’t a clear relationship rule book on how to use it. In many situations, snooping isn’t a pleasant choice, but it’s the right choice.”

After reading that line I scanned the top of the article and was shocked that this was the kind of advice a relationship counselor was giving people.  It reminded me that just because someone has a degree or the job title doesn’t mean that all the advice they give is right or should be followed.   The premise upon which ones truths are based upon will affect the format of the message.  Because of that, it is always important to remember that common sense comes before the book, and in this case, the “expert.”

Looking through your partners things without their permission with hope of an infidelity sighting points to a bigger issue, a lack of trust.  Snooping reflects a gap filled with  insecurity possibly induced by your spouse’s behavior, not knowing your spouse well enough, or your own inability to not project from your past issues. Whatever the case may be, if you “suspect” or feel “paranoid” about your relationship, the first step is communicating that with your spouse.  No matter how silly or uncomfortable it may be, a healthy relationship is about being able to be open, blunt, blatant, and transparently vulnerable.

Mr. Kerner says that he has one password for all of his various emails account, but that he suspects his wife does not use it, but is welcomed to “sift through my e-mails anytime she likes.”  He continues, “That’s what trust is all about; having nothing to hide and being able to respect each other’s privacy. One can’t exist without the other.”

I agree with his statement that trust is about not hiding things and being respective towards one’s privacy. But he can’t fully believe that people should respect people’s privacy and at the same time say that there are moments when you can disrespect that privacy by snooping. That’s a contradictory statement within itself.  You either respect ones privacy or you don’t.    If you feel the need to snoop then you’re definitely in an unhealthy state in your relationship and need to communicate that to your partner.   Although there are many “relatively new technologies” out there that  Mr. Kerner says don’t have a “clear relationship rule book,” a couple who has their own rule book and a strong foundation will not have a major issue in distinguishing appropriate from inappropriate. Someone who is bound to cheat will cheat whether that is by means of the internet or some other tool and someone who is honest will be honest, no matter the tool that comes their way.

Mr. Kerner has a list of questions to ask yourself before you “snoop” or “dig around” but the list is composed of questions that I’d hope one would have answered before one married someone.  And if you did not know these things about your partner, it is not concrete proof that your partner is cheating, but maybe more proof that you need to get to know each other better so your both aware of each other’s sensitive’s thus enabling both of you to develop a foundation for mutual respect and boundaries.

On the other hand if your partner is flirting, being evasive, disrespectful or anything not within the realm of what a loving partner should be and is not willing to ardently work towards change, than you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of person you should be spending forever with.

One of the questions Mr. Kerner says, one should ask themselves before snooping is, “Has your sex life changed as of late (as in you’re having less of it)?” The problem with this question is, there may be so many reasons not having to do with cheating that one’s sex life could change.  So say you do snoop, and you find out that your partner is not cheating, what then? You still have a problem and it’s not being talked about. So by snooping you have worsened your trust issues and put yourself in a demeaning position whereupon your desperation for answers caused a  breach of respect.

Mr. Kerner says, “Depending upon how you answered these questions, it might be time to snoop, especially if you’ve tried to talk about your concerns with your partner but have been stonewalled. Hopefully there will be nothing to discover and you’ll be able to breathe more easily and more coolly examine why you had suspicions and where you might be able to improve your relationship.”

I don’t see how Mr. Kerner could say that snooping is the next to best thing after being stonewalled.  If you are dating or married to a “stonewaller” than that is a HUGE issue within itself.  You will never be able to sort your problems out because your partner will constantly be putting a block up any time an issue arises.  You shouldn’t be in a relationship that relies upon snooping over talking.

Another question the article addressed was about dating someone who is friends with their ex.  If that makes you uncomfortable for whatever the reasons, this needs to be put out in the open before you put the ban of gold on.  And if you are married and your partner is friends with their ex and you don’t feel comfortable, than it is important that both sides are honest about the situation and come to a compromise. It is not fair to date someone who stonewalls your questions and in the same turn it is not fair to have to deal with someone who is projecting their past relationships upon your own.

The bottom line is this, if you take your time in finding the right partner and in communicating and creating a joint foundation and rule book it doesn’t matter what tool (internet) comes your way, you will always come through triumphant. I’m not saying there won’t be difficulties and that sometimes it won’t get hard, but betrayal of trust in any way (snooping) will only lead you down a dark rabbit hole.   According to the article, “A 2008 study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy explored how men and women perceive online and offline sexual and emotional infidelity. The results showed that men felt sexual infidelity was more upsetting and women felt emotional infidelity was more upsetting.”

Would you eat a fruit that had five spoiled bruises over another that had six?  Or would you just choose neither?   The point is cheating is cheating, whether it is sexual or emotional, they are both rancid things to do. If you are truly IN LOVE with someone, respect them, care for them, and are living in the realm of conscious love, you will do neither.

In the words of the character Jess from the great 1989 film When Harry Met Sally, “Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.”

Top X List : CHIVALRY

September 12, 2009

chiv⋅al⋅rous:

Having the qualities of chivalry, as courage, courtesy, and loyalty.

    Fearless, dauntless, valiant; courtly; faithful, true, devoted.

Top 10 Ways a Woman Can Be Chivalrous

10. KEEP THE CHANGE:Men are expected to pay all the time dating or not. If you really like the guy, surprise him and foot the bill. Guys like to be treated once in a while too.

9. SUPPLY HIM WITH SWEET OXYGEN: Get him a Rose plant. Men are not used to getting flowers. Get him a rose plant that he can keep in his room, supplying oxygen to his heart. And it doesn’t hurt that every time he waters it he will think of you.

8. OBSERVE & REACT: Women are used to and expect men to notice and acknowledge the details of their beauty. Make sure he does not go unnoticed either. Notice the way the light hits his eye, the uniquely placed moles on his face, and the distinctive arch of his brow. Be sensitive and attentive to his unspoken feelings. Observe his beauty and make it known to him.

7. DARLING DANKE SCHOEN: Sometimes many of the things that are expected from our men go un-thanked. We expect roses, doors held open, chairs pulled out, him paying for dinner, telling us how beautiful we look, picking us up..etc..etc. We must not let our manners slip from underneath us. Make sure you notice the unspoken ways he expresses his care for you. Sometimes all that’s needed to make him feel appreciated is a genuine heartfelt Thank You.

6. SHARING IS CARING: Although he loves us to death, he sometimes needs his space. Space means nothing more than space. Be understanding and comforting towards his need or want to spend time with his friends.

5. VUALLA, BEHOLD A DATE: Take the initiative in organizing and arranging date night to his liking. Surprise him with a morning, noon, or evening of romance that will keep him beaming through the date.

4. SENSITIVE GIFT CAP: Make sure to have your sensitive cap on when buying him a gift. Buying him a thoughtful gift is good sometimes but take some time once in a blue moon to make him something. You don’t have to be an arts and crafts person to create something, even if it doesn’t turn out perfect; it’s the thought that counts.

3. LITTLE BIT OF THE BUBBLY: After a long day or stressful day, surprise him by drawing him a nice bubble bath.  Set up candles and music just for him. Give him the perfect alone time to unwind and collect his thoughts.

2. GROOM AWAY:Take some time to be his eyes once in a while. Shave his face, pluck out unwanted hairs, fix his tie, and rub lotion on his hands.  Do the little things for him that he is used to or not used to doing for himself.

1. SIGNED SEALED DELIVERED: Forget about twitter, email, text and Facebook, and write him a letter. Surprise him by sending him a letter in the mail.  If not a love letter than maybe one just expressing why he’s a good friend, or recounting your favorite memory you had together, or memories you’d like to create. Finnish it off with a simple spray of your perfume, a blot of your kiss, sign, seal and deliver!

Top 10 Ways a Man Can Be Chivalrous

10. SENSITIVE EARS: Sometimes one of the biggest things you can do to show you care and your interest is by listening.  No matter how ridiculous, silly, small or large the story may be, all she wants is for you to listen, pay attention and actually care about what she has to say.

9. WHAT A GUY: It will always make a gal feel happy that you spend time with her and her girlfriends. To know her friends is to know elements of her. On the flip-side also take her out once in a blue moon to hang with you and the guys.  It doesn’t hurt that every time you’re mentioned her friends will think “what a guy.”

8.  GROOM AWAY: Even if you can’t help her put on her makeup, you can throw out the idea of painting her toes or fingers. Surprise her with a color and offer to give her a manicure or pedicure. Do the little things for her that she is used to or not used to doing for herself.

7.  TELL HER:Although you have many ways of showing you care, it’s important to vocalize it from time to time. Don’t presume she knows based on action alone, tell her how you feel. It takes a brave man to open himself up; leaving pride and the fear of vulnerability behind him; and it takes an even braver man to verbalize his sentiments to the object of his affection.

6. DETAILS, MORE THAN JUST A MAGAZINE: Sometimes things can seem to be put together with very little effort but may have taken a world of production and time for her to do. Be sure you appreciate and notice the little things that she does for you or even for herself. Notice when she changes her hair, how her new dress clings ever so elegantly to her figure, the unique quirks that make her special, or just her new cherry lipstick. It is your keen attentiveness to the details of how she takes care of herself and you that will make her feel appreciated.

5. PALM TO PALM:Sometimes it’s the smallest contact that touches us the most. People have underestimated the power of the slight and momentary touch of a hand. If you see her in heels trying to get up or down something, give her a hand. And even if she is not in heels, in matters of getting up or down something that causes her to use a railing, let your hand be her bar of support. It’s unexpected and sweet.

4. BON APPETIT: Go out of your way to make her favorite meal.  And if you always make dinner, than bake a special dessert.  Buy colorful frosting and design a cute personalized dessert for her. You don’t have to be Emril, she will taste the love in each bite.

3. YOU GOTTA SHOP AROUND:Generally speaking some men are not big fans of shopping with women.  It will make a difference to her just to have your attentive company and showing interest in something she is interested in.  Here’s the thing, whatever she buys you have to see her in, so why not take part in making her look her best.

2. LADIES FIRST: Of course she can open the door and pull out her own chair, but it is a very sweet and considerate gesture to do it for her. Sometimes it is the small things that make a gal feel warm. Be thoughtful and go the extra mile, open the door for her, offer to take her coat, give your coat when it’s chilly, pull her chair out, and pour her drink before you pour your own. These are the little things that make her heart go the extra mile.

1. SIGNED SEALED DELIVERED: Forget about twitter, email, text and Facebook, and write him a letter. Surprise her and mail a sweet letter.  If not a love letter than maybe one just expressing why she’s a good friend, or recounting your favorite memory you had together, or memories you’d like to create. Finnish it off with a simple spray of your cologne, sign, seal and deliver!